In our monthly drunk review, Rupert Taylor takes on noughties giant Maroon 5’s Songs About Jane, armed with only liver full of booze and a determination to ‘keep playing the wordy keyboard’ until the album finished. Or he passed out. Received by Audio Addict’s editors under the email heading ‘alcpohmpemty – mron 5′, we think it’s safe to say Rupert took Alcohommentary to a whole new level. The following has been spell-checked for ease of reading. 

‘Harder To Breathe’

FAAACKING HARDER TO BREATHE MATE !!!!!! The bangin’ first track on this album makes me wanna go for the fucking sun!!!!! When Adam Levine‘s voice kicks in it gives me the feels, he sounds like when I would sing in my bedroom at 9 years age.

‘This Love’ 

This IS FUCKING LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The drums, the bass just everything thing!! It’s like being 14 again and only thinking about going home and listening to shit pop music. I literally want to make all my clothes drop to the lino and writhe around in my pants until ‘This Love’ stops blaaaaaaaring out of those rocking Bluetooth speakers!

I am the Queen when the tracks are coming from Maroon 5. If sugar was a voice it would be Adam Levine!

This is the absolute time. The time to be alive. The time to be breathing that thick jumbled up air.

‘She Will Be Loved’

Beauty Queen of only 2016. There is a beauty queen out there somewhere, I know it. It’s always a comfort when a man like Levine is looking for her as well as yourself. Thank god for Levine. She will be loved man!! I feel like he’s singing to me, he’s whispering in my ear telling me I’m special. He’s a prick but his voice is like touching a rainbow! “Look at the boi wit tha broken smile”… That’ll be me because Maroon 5 are just rolling out the tunes like a bike race and the winners just keep coming.

If sugar was a voice it would be Adam Levine!

‘Tangled’

They make me want to go down to the park in the middle of all the people enjoying the winter sunshine and force them to cry over how well I can bust some great moves for ‘Tangled’. I dunno what it is but all the songs that come on make me want to perform for the Queen or Audrey Hepburn or Joanna Lumley or some shit.

Songs About Jane is the greatest record of all time.

Booze – tick
Karaoke – tick
Thinking I can actually sing – tick

Its fucking shite but when I sing along I think I’M GONNA WIN X FACTOR! And I dance like a hero.

‘Sunday Morning’

It’s such a sexual record. The hips move, it’s like (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?

There’s nothing I can do right now but try to get down the nitty gritty of Maroon’s jazzy fucking vibes.

Adam Levine is a prick but his voice is like touching a rainbow!

‘Through With You’

Do you see me? The songs do. They’re watching me and I am trying to run away but they keep chasing me until I start singing the music with my mouth and arm. Fun: that’s what this music is for.

The Maroon-ed ship is calling so I reckon we should answer. Hello? Hello. Are you Maroon 5? Yes.

Hardly able to see the screen but I’m gonna keep playing the wordy keyboard until the album is done. It’s done. So we are done.

Rupert Taylor@0UTATIM3

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